New research has found that over two in five young Australian men believe exercising control in relationships is natural.
Grace* was sitting in a restaurant when she saw her ex-boyfriend standing outside and staring her down through the glass window. After 20 minutes, she finally mustered up the courage to tell her friend who turned around, only to see the man duck his head and shuffle away in a hurry. Even months after cutting contact with her abusive former partner, Grace still avoids walking anywhere near where he works, fearing she might see him again.
Latest research shows that a disturbing number of young people, particularly young men, think controlling relationships are normal. The result is that young women are said to be three times more likely to experience abuse from a current or former partner.
The youth report, released by Australia’s National Research Organisation for Women’s Safety (ANROWS) this week, stated that while young Australians are improving attitudes towards violence in relationships, there is also concern about their lack of understanding on consent and non-physical forms of abuse.
Grace, 22, had been with her former partner for a few months when he started showing abusive behaviour. “He was crazy possessive. He would freak out if I even looked in another guy’s direction,” she said. She found out later that he was also secretly going through her phone at night to read her conversations about him.
“One time he got in using my fingerprint while I was asleep,” she said.
It got worse when she realised that he had been cheating on her while justifying his inability to commit to the relationship because of his childhood trauma. Whenever she wanted to leave the relationship, he would make her “feel bad” to make her stay. “He would repeatedly tell me I’d never find someone who would tolerate me or be by my side the way he had,” she said.
When she finally ended it, he threatened to physically harm her. “He came to my house at 2am pretending to cry over the phone and when he realised I wasn’t going to let him upstairs, he started yelling at me on the phone threatening to smash my skull,” she said.
Invasion of privacy and harmful threats are horrible but much more common than we’d like to think.
Social researchers generally accept emotional abuse to be the systemic degradation of one’s self-esteem and/or sense of safety. However, behaviours like stalking and intimidating are not understood as violent acts by a significant number of young men because they think “women prefer it that way”, the report stated.
Emotional abuse is generally accepted by researchers to be the systemic degradation of one’s self esteem. And expansive studies have described the serious consequences of emotional abuse on its victims, which include depression, increased anxiety and self-destructive attitudes.
Wendy*, 23, was in a 4-year long distance relationship with her ex-boyfriend after moving to Melbourne in 2016 to pursue her education. “He’d call me non-stop while I was doing assignments, basically blaming me for not giving him attention or asking me ‘if I even cared about this relationship’,” she said.
He went as far as saying he would expose her sexual photos to her parents and once the relationship ended, he messaged her threatening to commit suicide.
“He sent me photos of himself standing at the edge of buildings,” Wendy said, “I tried to tell his parents and friends about it, but I don’t think they believed me. They didn’t believe that he could do such a thing.”
Wendy still has trouble dealing with suicidal topics, sometimes experiencing symptoms of anxiety just from watching movies that portray the incident. “I think, to this day, I feel kinda bad. Like I was responsible even though I know I wasn’t,” she said.
With lots of time and support from their friends and family, Grace and Wendy found a way to heal from their past. At the same time, they agree it’s given them new perspectives. “It makes you realise you can be in a loving relationship without the weird dramatic manipulation," Grace said.
“We make so many excuses for why someone is the way they are, which is not wrong. Empathy is important. But it took me a long time to realise just because a person is that way because of their experiences or upbringing, it doesn’t mean they can treat you badly."
The report stated the need for a multi-level, multi-strategy approach to combat the factors and social norms that perpetuate violence against women, especially among young people.
Dr Heather Nancarrow, chief executive officer of ANROWS, said in the report’s media release: “The good news is attitudes can change. We can educate young people to better understand all forms of violence against women and that controlling behaviour isn’t part of a healthy relationship.”
If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault or family violence, call 1800RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or visit www.1800RESPECT.org.au. In an emergency call 000.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity of interviewees.